Cohabitting Blues

It took me a whole week after the initial break up to actually pluck up the courage to go to his house and pick up my things. When you cohabit, you tend to have that invisible string attached; your life is attached to his, his things in your place, your things in his place. Basically, you developed a feeling, a behavior, a character that are entirely shared. I don't know how to explain this but I believe many of you who have cohabit or is cohabitting will know what I mean.

I am still not used to my single life and i'm still searching for ways to take my mind off of him, to distract me of any thoughts to go back to him. Because, really, there's no point in patching up things that will never happen, ever again. It's like a broken vase, you try to glue the broken pieces together, it will be a vase but with broken lines all over the vase. I know myself that I can never be the person he wants me to be - maybe i'm too carefree like he said, too free spirited.

So, anyway, I did managed to get my stuff back in 10 minutes flat. It's like so weird. I feel like i know that place, I lived there. The memories of it, the warm feeling it brought me is kicking me in the ass when I was there. It's too weird that it feels trance-like. We are greeting each other with our own names, being shy and awkward and shit like that. I hated that feeling. I quickly packed my things and told him that if I ever leave anything there, I would come and pick it up another time. He offered to bring it to me and I rejected his offer and he insisted and I gave in. I just don't have the strength to be there long enough. His presence is making me emotional, almost cried but I suck it all up. I don't want him to see this, I don't want him to see me crying. I don't know why but I just want him to see my neutral side. I guess i didn't do it too well, when I left he looked through the window and saw my tears falling down. All of a sudden, I lose all courage to be strong, optimistic and positive.