Days of Distraught

After 2 years and 3 months later, we realized that we could no longer hold our relationship together. Fights after fights after fights that are repeated. Solutions after solutions after solution that are made, we finally feel so tired about it all - about how things are, about how I am, about how he is, about who we are, about everything. Everything suddenly became clear to us, well, at least to me, that breaking up is for the better. We fought for the same reason, came up with thousands of solutions and it end up with the same outcome. We are two very different people, living in two different world, raised by two different culture and marked by two different behaviors. It amazes me sometimes how we can end up for so long. We've been through good and bad times together, share our perceptions though at times it may coincide, love each other very much and done so many things together but it is so unfair how life can be so cynical.

It is unfair when you've found a great person to love but the interest is way different. Which is more important when it comes to a great relationship? Having similar interest or having a great love? I've been in and out of relationship a couple of times and I can safely say that great relationship doesn't come in a package. It's either this or that, never both. I understand the concept of give and take. Giving in for the person you love, but how far should we give in? How much? Is there any indicator to show you that you have given enough? I know I've tried my best in this relationship and I know he did too. Then, what is it that we are lacking. What is it that made us choose this option? My mind is very hazy and I am not in good shape for thinking with common sense. I have no more common sense in issues like this anymore. Was it me who was not sensitive enough? Was it me who didn't love enough? Was it me who need to give in more? I don't know and I give up. I'm plain tired of trying. Tired of figuring out what's right and what's wrong. Tired of dictating what I did. Tired of worrying i might not do well enough for him and so I decided to end it.

I feel relieved but sad. How can I feel this way? Why do I feel this way? It's like you are relieved but sadness and pain surrounds you. I feel like half of me is missing. I don't know why and I'm like a lost puppy now. I'm strong, i know that but it definitely take a lot of courage to leave the man you still love for making a better future for both of us. I don't know how long I can take the fights and misunderstandings but i know we can never last. I wish I could be more careful when it comes to falling in love. The chemistry is fucking my perception and no, you cannot say "the grass is greener on the other side" or "there's always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" when it comes to relationship. It takes more than love to make one relationship last and maybe I do not have the essentials to do it or maybe I didn't try hard enough. I don't know but either way, what's done is done.